Following My Love
how over glamorized and undervalued following our desire is
Following our heart is so over glamorized and undervalued at the same time. True presence feels like a luxury. Most of what we do is "influenced" in today’s generation, and I shudder to think how many of us are fully capable of thinking for ourselves anymore. Maybe I sound like a cranky Millennial (although I’m technically Gen Z). I feel you can tell when a desire is coming from someone’s truth or from a stolen attention span.
I think it’s beautiful that we have exposure to so many incredible possibilities, where it becomes an issue is in the increase of mindless consumption. We’re left feeling like we need to live vicariously through other people or live up to a glorified expectation. The greatest ideas of mine are always born in silence. The moments that are uninterrupted and when I’m in a state of calmness and reflection. Essentially when I haven’t looked at my phone for more than a couple hours and I have little stimulation. It’s hard in a fast paced, digital society but it’s not impossible. When I feel myself becoming scattered, a practice that I love is becoming incredibly still, placing one hand on my chest and closing my eyes. I focus on my breathing, but more specifically I focus on my heartbeat. I envision the warmth in my chest spreading throughout my entire body, paying attention to nothing other than how I feel.
For instance, my return to writing this past year. Doing it more consistently and writing every day in my journal, falling back in love with my inner voice. This came with the echo of my other greatest love, to dance. For months I kept repeating to myself “all I want to do is dance and write” I couldn’t think of much else.
Then the month of June came around and I was presented with an opportunity: to perform on stage in front of a live audience as a backup dancer.
I’m very close with the Portland, Maine community, in particular I’m close with the LGBTQ+ community. I have a dear friend who’s a local drag king and has become quite the local celebrity in our small entertainment industry. I’ve known them for years, they used to be my dance teacher. We’ve remained in touch ever since, and I’ve continuously been in awe of their perseverance in pursuing their dreams. We reconnected a few months back and in the spring they acquired me to be one of their dancers for Pride. I was both excited and terrified, but at my core I knew this was what I was meant to do.
All of my life I’ve imagined dancing on a stage in front of people, most of my daydreams are of me dancing amongst friends and loved ones. It’s never been about the craving for attention, but the love of the energy of people collectively coming together in celebration. I’ve always felt this to be my African lineage calling through my spirit. The part of my ancestry from Louisiana. The feminine creole fire which illuminates. I’ve always loved music and dance for its spiritual origin. The passion burning in the simplicity of people dancing and chanting in the rubble of the streets. The rawness, the imperfection and the magic. The people of New Orleans demonstrate this beautifully. One of the few cities in the U.S. that’s full of raw energy creating connection amongst chaos. Unscripted and undisputed. Visiting the city for my 25th birthday felt like a life long confirmation. I was used to roaming the streets of Portland with my headphones on, needing a constant melody. In New Orleans, I didn’t wear them once. Finally the music of the city matched the music that reverberated in my heart. The internal was matching the external. Since then, my love for dance has made all the more sense.
When my friend Finn proposed the idea to me, it took me a few days to fully process. They wanted me to perform in a number at the venue Aura (a decently sized music venue in Portland) and in a second performance on an island the following day. Both of which felt incredibly daunting. However after a few rehearsals and visiting the spaces alongside my fellow backup dancer, I felt a lot better. We rehearsed every week leading up to showtime. I was less intimidated each day, and I knew that even if I messed up on some of the choreography, I was going to have the time of my life, and I certainly did.
The day of the first show fell on Pride in my bustling little hometown. In the morning I explored the parade and festival with one of my childhood best friends. It was an incredible turnout and honestly one of the best pride festivals we’ve had in years. It doesn’t surprise me given the state of our government, everyone is showing their support now more than ever. The energy of the community was revving me up, there was no thought of backing out. As the day progressed, it was time for me to hastily get home and throw my makeup on. I was counting down the hours until it was time to go. As soon as I got there and saw my friends, I felt a combination of excitement and comfort. I was right where I was meant to be, and I was beyond ecstatic to get up on that stage and be seductive with my friends.
Our skit was themed as “class is in session” and the lesson was on cunnilingus. One of my favorite topics to discuss, how perfect. Finn was our teacher giving us lessons, they danced back and forth between us on the stage as we sat in chairs pretending to read books on sexuality. It was more like burlesque, it was sensual but with a flare of character. We whipped around our hair, gestured towards our clitorises and moaned as we winded our waists. At one point Finn’s partner entered the stage and presented sex toys to us. Mine was a rainbow dildo which I began to swing around my head as I propped up one leg on the chair, and began to shake my exposed booty in the direction of the crowd.
A couple of my friends were in the audience, I could hear them screaming my name as I danced. It felt like I was in a fever dream, the euphoria was like nothing I’ve experienced before. It went by so fast, and by the time it was over I was starving for more. The night proceeded with all of us partying and dancing with our friends and watching the rest of the performers go up. There was nothing better than seeing my friends full of energy and excitement from watching me perform, having people say I inspired them and that all they wanted to do was dance with me. These are the moments I live for. There was so much love in the air, it made the rest of the world seem irrelevant. Music & dance can do that for people, it enables you to feel wild, whole and free. It makes you feel connected and powerful in your self expression. During the first night I even reconnected with one of my teenage ex-girlfriends. She was there with her partner and she expressed her happiness and love towards my growth. We spent only a few minutes together but they were wholesome and sweet. It was beautiful how such an event could shine a light on love from the past and remind me of those who’ve always believed in me. I stayed until midnight before running off to get ready for round two the next morning.
The performance the next day was more of a challenge, but it pushed me in all the right ways. In this number there were four backup dancers including myself. We had to remember where all of us stood and the exact timing for each movement. This was in front of another big crowd but in a significantly smaller space. Still, it was incredible. It wasn’t my proudest moment, there was a lot that threw me off but I still had a blast. I realized that in performance, even when you mess up you can improv and percentage of the time people don’t notice unless you make it apparent. All I could focus on was the roaring of the audience and how supportive everyone was being. People praised Finn a million times over, and I know how grateful they were to have us dancing alongside them. It was another day filled with love and pride. All of us showing up for each other but most importantly, for ourselves. I ended the weekend feeling beyond full and always want to remember this liberating feeling.
Dancing on stage was more than an experience, it was a manifestation of the universe. By being willing to step down from what I thought I was supposed to be doing, and taking a chance on the desires that live in my heart, I was gifted with the opportunity to show up for myself and what I love most. It was daring me to be vulnerable and to step grandly outside of my comfort zone. I could’ve said no, stuck to what I was used to, or take a chance towards one of my greatest dreams. I know that this is the beginning of many. I may be completely new to the scene, but I’m not new to dance. The love in my heart will carry me so far, and I’m choosing to trust in the divine unknown.
Whether it’s dancing on stage, at a nightclub, a best friend’s living room, on the beach under the stars, or by myself in my bedroom.
I am a dancer.
It’s in my blood, it is of my essence. Sacred movement is a part of who I am, and who I’ve always been underneath everything else.
Here’s to dancing my heart away, and following my love no matter the outcome.